Well anyways. Just another journal thing to prove that I'm not dead while I wait for World of Warcraft to come back up from maintenance.

Let's just say that life hasn't been all too kind to me over the past couple of months. For those who don't know, I was fired from my job for stealing money. It's not exactly something I'm very proud of, in fact I just about completely hate myself for it. Of course with stealing the law always get's involved so that's been another thorn in my side over the past couple of months. I had a warrant for my arrest and got out on bail, which is another thorn having to call the bondsman every Wednesday.

On top of everything else I was forced to leave the apartment that me my lovely and a friend of mine were living in and came to live with my parents. I'm thankful they didn't throw me out of the family for this and have paid for most of the legal stuff but I just can't stand it here. On top of that as soon as I say that I'm going to leave they tell me that I owe them for the expenses of all the legal stuff. So yes, I have become the families bitch. I mean hell, I enjoy the fact that they're paying for the legal stuff here but they made me leave to do all of this. I hate it. I hate it so much with a passion it drives me insane as I work all day for my parents.

I personally hate my life right now. I can't stand what I did and I can't stand the fact that I've pretty well failed everyone I've ever come to know. I mean hell! I had a good job, was in a good position and was surrounded by people that actually liked me and valued all the stuff I did for them. I had a good life and a good time with them until money began to get tight before we were going to move into the apartment.

I know what some people might be thinking. 'Why didn't you ask your parents for help?' Well that is easily answered. You see, my family is in a tight spot as it is money wise. And in the end I feel worse now because I'm costing them even more. I tried to fix things on my own and I fell prey to temptation.

What makes the whole situation worse is that I failed all the people that I worked with. They were my friends and I even considered them my family and yet when times got tough I took advantage of them. And I know what more of ya'll are thinking, 'Why didn't I go to my friends at work about it?' Well you know whats interesting about Wal*Mart? They'll give you a job but if you need something above what you make later on they can't and won't do a damn thing for you. And don't think I didn't try. I went to my boss several times asking for a raise and all they would tell me was that they couldn't give me a raise because of how they redid they regulations. And time and time again I was told to go to a bank and get a loan.

And now I know someone is thinking out there 'Why didn't you take them up on their advice and go to a bank?' I did. Several times. Each time they told me I didn't have good enough credit or they would need someone to co-sign. Of course no one was willing to co-sign for me so that threw that option out the window.

So I turned to the darkest and most idiotic thing I have ever done. I began to steal money from the register I was at. I was so pissed that I had to turn to such things I mean I tried to get a second job but no one would hire me because I was a full time worker at Wal*Mart. I hated it. I hate it. And now I sit at home doing housework and yardwork for my parents and other family and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's been almost five months now since that happened and it seems like there is no end in sight.

But I guess if there is anything I've learned about this is that all things come back to bite you in the ass in the end. I hate every single bit of it and wish I could take it back but obviously I don't get that option. I'm so angry and mad at myself over everything and how many people I am letting down over it all.

But if there is anything that I have learned over the time in which I've been away is one general and amazing thing. I have no friends.

Of course I got my internet and Warcraft buddies and everything else but they are nowhere near me to help me in my time of need.

Yeah, you know that guy that moved in with me and at the beginning of all this? Well in a way I'm thankful he stuck around for as long as he did since can't get around on her own not having a drivers license. But then in the middle of everything he goes off and tells me, 'Well it's been fun but I got to think of my needs and the crowds in which I'm in. It just seems like your trouble is just wearing everything down.' That was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard. always paid her half of the rent and then he goes off and gets a new apartment with his fiancee paying the whole rent which is more than what our apartment even cost. So what he did was complete and total bull shit! I mean. All I asked of him was to help her to get to school and back and that was just too much for him.

I hate it. I hate him! Of all the things in the world to happen he and every one of my friends have deserted me. I sacrificed so many things for all of my friends. I sacrificed my possessions, my time, my physical being, almost everything! And for what? For everyone to leave me when I needed them most. I mean fuck! If it was the other way around I would be the first one to say "Here. Come stay with me. I know you need help." It juts saddens me that I couldn't get such a thing. And now all that I really have left is . She's everything to me and now she's living in an apartment alone and thanks to waiting on the courts decision I'm powerless to do much of anything for her.

I mean I visit her for a couple of days then it just makes things harder when I have to leave and come back here where I work for family while she goes to school and back. You know it's definitely sad when most of our interaction between each other is on World of Warcraft. My parents don't understand. They never will. They keep telling me that if she loves me enough that she should understand that I'm here to get my life in order and if she doesn't that she doesn't deserve me.

Well you know what? Fuck them! I'm tired of this. I mean I love her to death and it tears me apart knowing that she's alone in an apartment that was supposed to be mine her's and a good friend of mines. It drives me insane! I almost want to take my anger out on him and everyone around me. I just want so many things to just disappear.

I'm slowly going insane staying in this small house that houses six people including me when it's really meant to house three people.

Now my parents and even my grandmother are talking about me going to college. I mean hell! I spend my Easter Sunday with them at a church gathering of some sort and one of the first things she does is bring over a professor of Graphic Design over to me and introduces us before telling him that Graphic Design is my thing. Well whats pissing me off is the fact that it really isn't my thing. My art is for fun and show and something to do when I'm bored, not for something that will be bogged down and made into something business like. And for some reason I can't get that through anyone's head. YES I love art. NO I will not use it for a business thing.

I mean crap. My artistic talent seems to vary from day to day. Anyone that see's my gallery will see that. I mean I have some really good stuff then I have my comics and stuff which aren't very well drawn.

I don't think I will ever get my family to understand but I guess their trying to help me find something to do with my life since I have no freakin idea what to do with myself. I did try the art thing at one time, wanted to be an art teacher, but no. The first art class I take is my last because the teacher makes me feel like crap. I wanted to be an author.m I write a paper for English II and he looks at me after reading it and says that I write like a forth grader. I hate it. Everything I've ever really wanted to do I get shot down almost instantly.

You know. I just really think that my unknown goal in life is just to be the worlds bitch. I mean, I flunk out of college, I get fired from my job for stealing, and all my friends desert me when I need them.

Now I'm even thinking about joining the National Guard. If you were to ask me about two months ago to join I would have abruptly said to fuck off, now I'm actually thinking about it just to get my life back in order.

Man I'm so frustrated. I try and I try and I try yet nothing seems to work out for me. I seem to always screw up somewhere along the way to make everything harder on everyone around me. Then when I try to take care of the damn thing myself it kicks my ass and puts even more pressure on everyone.

I feel like just running and running until I can't run anymore or until someone else kicks my ass even more. I feel like complete and utter crap and it doesn't seem to want to end.

Well. On a lighter note I'm feeling sort of okay today after feeling sick forever and ever. I hope this keeps up. I got enough things making me feel like crap besides having my body physically sick.

Well, fun times I guess, though I know only one person will probably read this and she'll probably get all sad about it but I just had to get it off my chest and this seems to be the best way for me to do it since I can't seem to express it all vocally like I probably should be to a shrink or someone other than the empty internet.

Well. Here's to hoping that World of Warcraft is back up and here's to hoping for a better tomorrow and the strength to carry on.

THUS SAYS KING REAPER!!!
Raiden